“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” –Matthew 5:4

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; –Ecclesiastes 3:4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, –2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

As God Takes my Hand

I sit alone in the dark
Grief consuming my soul.
My mind is spinning in space,
Spinning out of control.
I’m consumed by my pain
With no peace to be found.
Hope has gone on vacation.
Love has not made a sound.
Caught in my fear I rage against God
Is He too far away to hear me?
Or is He only being dismissive
And simply ignoring my pleas?

I believed Him to be loving,
So, I was properly grateful.
But now, the truth spills,
He is spiteful and vengeful.
He has muted the volume 
To my soul-wrenching call.
He’s clipped both my wings,
Condemned me to free fall.
The grief overtakes me
In one mighty crescendo,
As the fear explodes in my mind,
I wonder, where did my faith go?

And, right at that moment,
My apex of pain,
Light fills my world,
And I’m grounded again.
I turn my eyes inward.
And I know what I’ll find;
That God lives in my heart
While fear hides in my mind.
I speak humbly to God,
And I accept all of the blame.
I thank Him sincerely
For His love through the pain.
Except for my blindness,
He was there all the while
And as my whole world turns brilliant,
God takes my hand with a smile.
©Linda Troxell

We Cannot Prepare for Death

We cannot prepare ourselves for the death of someone we love or for whom we were the caretaker in the final days of their life. No matter how tired we are from caring for them or how ready we are for them to die when they die, we are not prepared. The individuals I’ve spoken to after they participated in a prolonged death all said, “I thought I was prepared, yet when it came, I found I was not at all prepared.”

The circumstances don’t matter. Race doesn’t matter. Money has no bearing. Whether we have been waiting expectantly for death to come or trying to prevent it from coming, there is just no way we can prepare ourselves for the feelings of waking up day after day to find a hole in our life where once there was a person. When it happens, we are just not prepared; no matter how many times we’ve been through it before or how many times we have rehearsed it in our head.

But as much as there is nothing we can do to prepare for death, we have almost total control of what happens in the aftermath. There are things we can do or refrain from doing in our mourning period that will determine its course and the course of the rest of our lives. So, if you will indulge me for a few moments, I’d like to share what I’ve learned with you. 

First, if I could tell you only one thing about grieving, it would be to fight to be able to complete your grieving process, no matter how long it may take. To do that, you must be gentle and take care of yourself. That might sound odd as you read it here on the page, but when it happens, you will think, “Oh, now, I get it.” The world will not make it easy for you to care for yourself or to complete your grieving process.  

The people of our world have little patience for those who are mourning. The attitude is, “Aren’t they over that yet?” But grieving is not predictable. It does not take a specific course as a disease or a medical condition might. But like a disease or medical condition, it isn’t over until the symptoms are gone. Grieving is a personal process, and it takes a different amount of time for each individual. It lasts as long as it lasts, and we have the right to complete it without censure.  

Grief is not a medical condition or a physical injury. But the death of someone we love causes trauma to our minds, hearts, and psyche that is no less damaging than an injury 

to our bodies from a gunshot wound or a car accident. Both are events that rearrange our realities and require a period of healing. We are happy to allow sufficient time to heal to the one recovering from physical harm we can see. Not so an injury, we can’t see. We expect those recovering from a broken heart to be “over it” in a long weekend

For example, the average employer in California allows only three days for grief leave. On the other hand, those recovering from physical injury receive as much time to heal as their doctor recommends. It is hardly equitable. And frankly, it isn’t smart business, either. Studies show that companies lose billions of dollars in lost productivity every year to unresolved grief. 

Anyone who has endured a period of mourning knows the bereaved do not have many allies in their efforts to complete their grieving process at their own pace. However, those who have a relationship with God have a clear advantage, for we have the only allay that can truly comfort us. God has great compassion for those in mourning; He knows our pain, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 In a world with little patience for those in mourning, God’s patience is endless. 

The world, in its impatience, will try to pull us back into its chaotic pace by making us feel that we should “be over it by now.” But God knows we will never be “over it.” Nor will we want to be. Getting over it implies putting it behind us, getting past it, denying our grief, and no longer missing our loved ones. But we will never stop missing those who died, and we don’t want to forget them. God understands that rather than forget, we want to one day remember those we’ve lost with a smile and dry eyes. Time will indeed get us there. But with God’s comfort we will find our way sooner.-A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;-Ecclesiastes 3:4

Our recovery from grief will not be a straight line; it will be more like a meandering road that sometimes doubles back on itself. One week we will be feeling strong and optimistic about our healing. Then, without apparent reason, we will be crippled by our grief and struggle to get out of bed. It is the nature of the recovery. So don’t allow the world to rob you of your right to grieve, mourn, and heal in your own time in your own way. Don’t let them push you to “Just put it all behind you and move on.” 

There will be those who want you to hide your pain, so they don’t have to deal with it. They will not allow you the right to be comforted beyond some arbitrary amount of time they have decided you need comfort. But in reality, most of your solace will come from God, anyway, after the first few weeks. You can call on Him whenever you want for as long as you want. He will be there to comfort you with no timeline. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, –2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

In many cultures around the world, there are traditional rituals for death. These practices mark the end of life and the beginning of the mourning period. Inherent in these rituals, there are usually customs to provide social support for the mourners. For example, in the Jewish culture Kriah, Lamentations, and Shiva are designed to facilitate the bereaved in their mourning.

It is required to bury a jew within 24 hours of death. By custom, there is a procession leading to the burial. During the walk, mourners tear their garments, symbolizing the tear in their hearts caused by the death of their loved one. In the period immediately following the burial, the mourners express their grief through lamentations of dispair, songs, or hymns composed in memory of the deceased. 

After the burial, Shiva, a seven-day mourning ritual, begins for those closest to the deceased. During the seven days of Shiva, the community embraces the mourners by visiting them to offer them comfort. As an outward symbol of being brought “low” by grief and pain, everyone sits on the floor or low stools. It is a time in which mourners process their feelings of grief and loss by sharing stories about the deceased.

In contrast, our culture has removed everything from our society that once facilitated the grieving process. Historically, we were born and died at home, allowing an understanding of both processes and their connection. The deceased lay on the dining table for a few days as friends and family came to pay their respects and support the bereaved. A steady stream of neighbors brought food and listened as the family expressed their grief. 

Today the way we mark death does nothing to facilitate grieving nor show support for the family’s grief. As you know, if you’ve ever lost someone close to you, one of the great compulsions that often comes with grief is the need to talk about the person you’ve just lost. But for most people today, this is just too sad to hear; that’s what they say anyway. I believe that fear, more than sadness, causes us to shun talking about death. After all, if we acknowledge death, we must, too, acknowledge our mortality.  

With our culture’s sparse support for grief, many mourners take advantage of free grief support groups provided by most communities. These groups, usually a combination of education and group counseling, are led by a professional with experience in facilitating grief and mourning. Unfortunately, these support groups are often seen as therapy by those who believe that only the weak or the crazy need psychological or emotional help. And so we come full circle to the belief that healing a wound to our heart and mind is less important than healing our bodies.

The Bible tells us that mourning is essential. In the sermon on the mount, Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4. This verse may seem to be weak solace for the overwhelming pain of losing a loved one. But many words from God are not meant for the short-term view but to give us hope in the eternal. Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

Of course, scripture will not take away our pain, but for us who believe in Christ, they bring comfort with the blessing of hope. The hope that we will one day be together with our loved ones in a place where death has been overcome. Where there is no need for tears, for there is no pain. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”-Revelation 21:4

I am not so naive as to think that our culture will soon change and allow for a kinder and gentler attitude toward grief, and I have no real hope that a loved one’s death will soon be accepted as a legitimate injury requiring grieving and mourning to heal. But I do hope that by talking about it more, we will permit ourselves to be kinder and gentler with ourselves. 

In that vein, I would like to raise the idea that death is not our only source of grief. All endings have grief attached to them, requiring time to mourn the loss. Some losses will take only hours, i.g. The loss of a favorite earring. More severe losses, such as losing a job or a friend moving away, might take weeks or even months to resolve. 

You may think that you haven’t had the experience of mourning a trivial loss. But consider a recent relatively unimportant loss you’ve experienced. Did you mourn it? No? I beg to differ. After such an insignificant loss, there is an inevitable, “Darn, I lost my favorite earring; I really liked those earrings, too.” That is an expression of grief. For such trivial losses, we might think of it a few more times in the day and perhaps recall it with sadness when we wake up in the morning. And that will be sufficient. 

There is a definite hierarchy to grief and mourning. The more critical the loss, the more important it is to acknowledge the pain and mourn the loss. As our losses become more important to us, our feelings of grief become more profound and last longer. Mourning is expressing the suffering of grief, verbal or nonverbal. It is how we process the loss and then release it. The feelings will continue to be processed in one way or another until we release them. Because, as they teach in 12-step recovery, the only way out of a feeling is through it. The alternative to processing trauma through acknowledgment and verbal processing is negative impulsive behavior or physical disorders. 

Everyone wants to know how much time it takes to mourn a loss because no one wants to be in pain. But it’s impossible to know the answer. The grief of a loss lasts as long as the painful thoughts and feelings about the loss remain. Therefore mourning a loss takes as long as it takes. And as mentioned above, profound losses such as death are mourned for the rest of our lives. 

Let’s pray,

Father, we know that your plan never intended death for us. That may be why even though we know they are with you, the death of those we love hurts so deeply. But if we let you comfort us, Lord, you will have peace. We know you understand our grief because you experienced loss in your time as a man here on earth. So we can trust that you will give us your peace that passes all understanding if we only hand our grief to you and let go. But, Lord, most of us don’t even know how to let go. So, for those who don’t, we ask you to show us how in this prayer. And Lord, we thank you for giving us the hope of eternal life to mitigate our grief. Knowing we will see those we love again in a place where there is no death, no pain, and no sorrow makes the pain more bearable. We know, Lord, that if we keep our eyes on you and our thoughts in your kingdom, we will be safe. It is difficult to hold onto that when we are in pain, but when we lean on you and not on our own understanding, you will not allow us to stumble. We thank you for that promise and all of your promises. And we pray that your pure and perfect will, not ours, will be done.
We pray this all in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Points for Pondering and Prayer
Or
Perhaps for Putting Pen to Paper

1. Have you experienced the death of someone close to you?

A. If you have, write a bit about who died, how it made you feel,  and how you 
managed your feelings.

B. If not, write a bit about how you feel when you imagine the death of someone close to you. 

2. What are your thoughts about the way we, in the West, think of grief and mourning.

A. Write a bit about how you think about: the need to mourn vs the need for physical healing, the lack of
tolerance with which we, in the West, treat the need to mourn, and our lack of ritual to facilitate the
grieving and mourning process.

3.  What are your thoughts about the theory that every loss, regardless of its size or importance must be followed by a period of grief and of mourning,  

A. Write a bit about your experience of a less than profound loss that supports or refutes this theory.