For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. –Matthew 6:14-15

Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. –Colossians 3:13. 

 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” –Mark 11:25

This one is dedicated to my friend Shannon. I hope it’s what you want Ms. Shannon. If not, I hope it’s what you need. L.T.

God Requires that we Forgive

God requires us to forgive,
Yes him, yes them, even her.
It doesn’t matter what the offense
Even less how it occurred.
Did God ask you for details?
Did He ask what you did and with who?
Did He turn up his nose or make you beg
When He gave His forgiveness to you?
Do you deserve His love more than others?
What makes you better than them?
When you had the chance to love
Didn’t you choose to condemn?

When we understand God’s forgiveness,
When we’re grateful for His grace,
That’s when we willingly give pardon
To our offender with a loving embrace.
Love is a product of knowing our God.
Judgment comes from the enemy.
One of these leads to destruction,
While the other one sets us free.
Of course, we know which is which,
And the consequence of each choice.
The devil will aim to silence us,
While God will delight in our voice.

God always requires forgiveness
For her, for him, and for them.
But He still allows us free choice
Between obedience and selfish ambition.
For, in the end, we will be responsible
For all of the choices, we’ve made.
And when the Day of Judgment comes
We will defend the roles that we played.
What will be His judgment of you?
Will you be condemned to a fiery grave?
Or will you be named in the book of life
With blessings for what you forgave?
It’s never too late for forgiving,
To start today is better than to not
Because even in the act of trying
We will find forgiveness from God.
©Linda Troxell, 08/08/2019

Forgiving is at the very foundation of the Christian faith. If Jesus had not given His life for the forgiveness of our sins, there would be no Christianity. And we are mandated to use Christ’s sacrifice as a model to forgive others.

Forgiving is not just a goal toward which we, as Christian’s, must strive. Rather, it is something that is commanded of us. Jesus is actually quoted in the book of Matthew as saying if we want to be forgiven we must forgive others. “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” –Matthew 6:14-15

And He didn’t say it just once. The word or the concept of forgiving is found 150 times in the Bible between the Old Testament and the New Testament. If it were not something of importance to God,  would we see it so many times?

 As Christians, we certainly give lip service to forgiving. And, of course, we fully expect to be forgiven by the Lord.  At the same time, the command to forgive one another is routinely overlooked and swept under the carpet. I believe Jesus’ command to forgive one another is second only to the great commission as His most ignored command.

I have to admit that before I began writing this blog I didn’t fully understand that forgiveness isn’t just something God wants us to try, or something He merely wishes we would do, it is something He said we must do. Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:13. 

Once I realized the importance of forgiving to our faith, I wanted to know more about it. It turns out that forgiving is not only important to our spiritual health as mandated by God, but for our mental and physical health as well. It is pretty well established by psychology and medicine that holding on to bitterness, resentment, and anger can be harmful to our health.

Forgiving lowers our risk of heart attack, improves our cholesterol levels, improves our sleep, and lowers our blood pressure. And that’s not all, those who are able to forgive have lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. Wow! I think that’s an impressive list.

If bitterness, resentment, and anger, the elements of unforgiveness, are so destructive to our bodies and minds, then clearly, it is not something for which God designed us. And if God didn’t design us for unforgiveness, yet it is so pervasive in the human population, we must assume it is a tactic of the enemy that he brought into the garden as sin.

Before we continue this discussion of forgiving and unforgiving, let’s establish a mutual understanding of just what we are discussing.  This is the definition of the word forgive from Merriam Webster’s Dictionary online.

1: To cease to feel resentment against (an offender): PARDON   as to forgive one’s enemies
2: To give up resentment of or claim to requital (see REQUITAL sense 1)

In order to fully understand this definition, I think we need to know the meaning of pardon and requital. It will clarify the meaning of forgiving greatly. Again, according to Merriam Webster’s Dictionary, Pardon means the excusing of an offense without exacting a penalty.  Requital is compensation or retaliation.

According to Merriam Webster’s Dictionary, then, forgiving is to cease feeling resentment toward an offender and excusing the offense without penalty, compensation or retaliation. This is what God has commanded us to do, for everyone, every time.

I want to bring in a definition by a psychologist which I found in my reading. I believe it will enhance our discussion of forgiving. Forgiving is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

 I like this definition because it makes it clear that the responsibility for forgiving lies wholly on the victim. Even more, it stresses that forgiving is a conscious, deliberate decision that has nothing to do with whether the offender deserves to be forgiven, nor with the victim’s desire to forgive. The two definitions together help us to fully understand what forgiving is.

That being said, in my experience the biggest objections to forgiving centers on misunderstandings and misconceptions of what is and what is not part of forgiving. We have established what forgiving is, now, for a complete understanding, I think we need to also look at what forgiving is not.

The objection I’ve encountered most often comes from the victim’s inability to understand that forgiving is for the benefit of the victim and not for the benefit of the offender. Second to this is the fear that to forgive is to let the offender “off the hook”, or to let him or her “get away with it.”  Neither of which are true.

I once head Pastor Mark Driscoll say this about forgiveness: “Forgiving does not allow the forgiven to get away with anything. But it allows the one who forgives to get away from everything.”

In other words, it does not let the offender off the hook, but it allows the victim to get away from the burden of anger and resentment and all the damage they cause. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay, “says the Lord. -Romans 12:19

Forgiving is not saying that the offensive behavior doesn’t matter, nor that the offender wasn’t wrong. And it is not saying that the victim doesn’t have every right to feel wronged, angry and vengeful.  Forgiving  does not deny the victim’s pain. Nor does it  condone, excuse or approve the hurtful behavior of the offender. And it does not involve bargaining or negotiation of any kind.

 Forgiving is a highly charged emotional issue for someone who has been hurt or offended. Often, they are afraid that by forgiving, somehow the offender is spared the consequences of their behavior. But let’s look at that fear.

More often than not the offender is blind to all of the victim’s feelings. An unremorseful offender is unconcerned with how their behavior affected their victim and does not care whether they are forgiven. So, the victim’s forgiving would not change a thing for the offender.

Forgiving is not allowing the victimizer to get away with anything. And in fact, it actually denies him or her any malicious pleasure he or she might have derived from inflicting the wrong. They want to make you suffer. They do not want to be forgiven.

Forgiving allows the victim to let go of suffering caused by the burden of the negative feelings that come with being wronged.  So that if the offender is looking to enjoy the victim’s suffering, he or she will be disappointed.

Whatever the situation of the offender, the victim who cannot forgive is hosting the toxicity of anger, resentment, and hatred with all of the damage they inflict to body, mind, and soul. Unforgiveness damages every part of our lives, including our relationship with God.

All sin is a barrier between ourselves and God. And unforgiveness is the sin of disobedience. This then affects our entire prayer life. –And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” –Mark 11:2

There is no question that forgiving benefits the victim. Because, as long as we feel like a victim, we are carrying a heavy burden. Forgiveness allows us to put the burden down and walk away. Freeing ourselves of all thoughts of the offender and the offense.

Being, unforgiving robs us of our power. Until we can forgive, we are tethered to feelings that are damaging to our lives. Holding on to those feelings renders us powerless. Only when we release those feelings, will we have the power to determine how we react to the offense; or for that matter, how we react to our lives. 

While still bogged down with resentment, we will be powerless over the thoughts and feelings that are causing our bitterness, anger, and unhappiness. And we will not have the power to control those feelings, nor the thoughts that lead to them.

When we make the decision to forgive, we take our power back. We restore the ability to make our own decisions. We decide how to respond to the offense in our chosen way rather than reacting to it from our hurt and anger.

Forgiving gives us the power to decide how often to think about the offense and in what way. In forgiving we take back the power to allow God to deal with the offense and the offender. When we forgive we recover our power to look at the reality of the offense, and the pain, without making it a part of who we are. Until that happens, there can be no healing.  

However, forgiving is not a one-time event, but a process. Because it includes letting go of all negative feelings we have toward the offender, including those deeply held.  It takes time and self-reflection to be able to access all of the feelings, process them with someone we trust, and then let them go.

If the offense was minor the process may take a few days and it will be sufficient to say a few prayers and talk it over with a friend. However, when the hurt is bigger and deeper it is more likely to include feelings that are buried deeply. In that situation, it will be a longer process.

It might take weeks or even months of prayer for God to help us to find and let go of the anger and other toxic feelings. And it may very well necessitate professional help from our pastor or a therapist.

Among many Christians, there is a distaste for therapy and therapists. I think it might stem from a belief that God should be enough to resolve all of our problems. Well, I would like to say two things about that bias.

First, there are now many, many Christian therapists who counsel from a Christian world view. Next, I would like to point out that God gave therapists the gift of healing just as He did doctors. They have different gifts, but the same gift giver.

If we find ourselves stuck in the process of letting go of resentment and anger, It’s important that we don’t allow our pride to get in the way of seeking professional help. Unfortunately, there is still a social stigma attached to seeking healing for our mind and our emotions that does not exist for seeking healing for our bodies. But we do not have to be controlled by the beliefs of others.

There does not seem to be a consensus among the “experts” whether or not forgiving requires that we develop positive feelings toward the one who hurt us. However, I think that for us Christians the issue is resolved. God commanded us to forgive, be tenderhearted, and pray for our enemies. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32

I think this includes repairing the relationship that was broken by the offense. God expects us to live in harmony with our Christian brothers and sisters. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.-Romans 12:18

Of course, there are some relationships that are simply too dangerous to resume. If a relationship was abusive and to resume it is dangerous, God doesn’t want us to live in a state of fear or risk to our safety. That does not glorify Him. We glorify God by living a full, joyful, and loving life with Him at the center.

God is love; His heart is love, His thoughts are love and His entire essence is love. He wants love for His children as well because in love there is forgiveness.  By contrast, Satan is hate and all it encompasses. Because hate is the essence of Satan, the heart of Satan and his demons is unforgiveness.

The unwillingness to forgive is a tool of the enemy, it cripples our pursuit to make ourselves over in the image of Jesus and it becomes an obstacle to our sanctification. It creates a barrier between ourselves and God.

This barrier can allow the enemy to get a foothold in our life. That foothold can lead to a stronghold which will eventually lead to a death hold if we cannot break the barrier and forgive.  And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. -Ephesians 4:26-27

In researching and writing this post I  have become convinced that if we don’t know how to forgive, or if it isn’t something for which we are not actively seeking to learn, we better make it so.  We can no longer sweep this command under the carpet and ignore its existence. Nor can we wait any longer to make it a top priority in our lives. We can’t know how long we have until we will be asked to justify our life here on earth.

None of us knows if our name in the Book of Life. But I want to do everything I can to make sure it is when the time comes. How about you?

By now, I hope I have reached my goal of convincing everyone that it is a command from God that we forgive and it is in our best interest to do so. I hope we all believe that forgiving makes every part of our lives better. I hope we are convinced that we all need to forgive everyone and ever time and we need to start now. Good! Now what?

I find it so frustrating when I read an article that, after several pages of reading, convinces me that I have a problem, lays out the proof, gives me the examples and then tells me to fix it. Because if I knew how to fix it I probably wouldn’t still have the problem. Right!

Since I hate it when it happens to me, I’m not going to do it to you. I am going to show you some steps you can to take to help in your journey of forgiving. Because make no mistake, forgiving is a journey and not an event. It takes prayer, commitment, and follow-through. But I assure you, if you employ those three things, it can be done.

The steps below are a mixture of things I have picked up through the years. Some from my training as a therapist, some through my own personal research, and others from random things I’ve read or heard from others.

Unfortunately, this means I really can’t give proper credit to anyone for any of it. So, I will only say thank you to anyone who recognizes their original work and assure them that while I’m not trying to take credit for their work, neither can I give credit where it’s due and hope they will forgive me.

But before we go to the practical steps to forgiving lets attend to the spiritual steps:

Let’s pray:
Father, thank you for bringing us to the awareness that to forgive is not just something you would like us to do, it is something you command us to do. We ask your forgiveness as we repent of all of the times we have refused to forgive in the past. And we ask you, Lord to help us in the future to forgive quickly and fully. We are so grateful that by your grace we were forgive of our sins. We want be obedient in forgiving our brothers and sisters. So, we ask you Lord, please help us to remember that should we have a difficult time forgiving others. We pray this in the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.

Steps to Healing

No matter the authority, be they scientist, poets, psychologists, or religious leaders, they pretty well agree that letting go of anger, resentment and bitterness leads to greater happiness. It leads to better health, better relationships, and more kindness, being more connected to God and others, and an overall sense of wellbeing.  So I hope the following steps help you in your journey to forgive.

It is important that you do these steps in writing. It is also important that you do the whole exercise all the way through in one sitting each time you do it. There are several reasons for this but this is not the platform on which to explain them. I hope you can trust me that it is the most effective if, each time you perform this process you do it in writing and you do it all the way through. You must do this whole exercise over and over until you have forgiven your offender for the wrong they have inflicted on you.

At the heart of forgiving is compassion. So the first step to forgiving someone who harmed you is to stir ups some compassion. This is a two-step process and you have to determine in which order it works best for you. I’m going to lay it out the way it works best for me. But play with it and see which is best for you.

Sometimes you will only have to go through this process once combined with prayer and processing. Other times, because the hurt is deeper, you must do it many, many times. (I mean the whole exercise.) How many times? Well, as many times as it takes to fully forgive your offender. If you wonder how you will know you’ve forgiven, it is when you find that your feelings for the offender are mostly neutral and you would be willing to and able to enjoy sitting down with him or her for a cup of coffee.

Before you begin this exercise pray.

• For those who fully want to participant pray that God will help you to be completely honest and to access and extract the feelings you need to process in order to be successful in your pursuit.
• For the reluctant participants, pray that God will help you, through this exercise, to move your needle from reluctant to fully wanting to participate. Then when He does, the next time ‘you sit down to do the exercise begin with the fully wants to participate prayer.
• For the flat out don’t want to participants. Before you begin this exercise, and every time you do it until you are a reluctant participant, ask God to help you want to do the exercise so that eventually He can make you want to forgive. And keep doing the exercise until you find yourself fully wanting to participate which is the same as wanting to forgive, or darn close!

1. THE WRONG: It is important that you only work on one offense at a time. First, we must identify the wrong and the perpetrator of the wrong. On a piece of paper at least 8 ½” X 11”, write the name of the person who wronged you along with their offense. Leave about 2 inches of blank space under this writing (more if your writing is big) for later. If you have a picture of the offender set it where you can look at it throughout the process.
2. COMPASSION: Compassion is at the heart of forgiving. So we begin by drumming ups some compassion in your angry heart. Make two columns under the space you left blank in #1. In one column list the sins and wrongs you have done to others, including God, over the years, and for which you have needed forgiveness. We have all committed more sins than we can list in an exercise like this one but write down the big ones and a few representatives of the more common sins such as ungratefulness, lying, bad thoughts or wishes toward someone, etc. Save the second column for later.
3. Spend some time meditating on the wrongs you listed. Really try to remember how you felt when you knew you had to go to another person or to God and confess the wrong, or at least own up to your responsibility. Remember if you were disappointed in yourself, were fearful you would not be forgiven, felt humiliation for having done this thing to someone or to God, or being angry that you “had” to confess, etc. Remember your regrets and how you wished you hadn’t done this wrong thing. Remember how you wished you could go back and do it differently. Remember how much you hoped for compassion and any other things you can remember feeling. Do this until you can really be in your regrets and guilt. It should be no less than 5 minutes and preferably longer. Now, go back to #2 and in the second column make a list of all of the things for which you have been forgiven and how forgiveness feels for you. Again take time to really go back and remember how it feels to be forgiven. The relief, the joy, the thankfulness, lifting of weight, all of the good feelings that come with being forgiven. This, too, should take no less than 5 minutes.
4. FEELINGS: Now, you need to honestly acknowledge how you feel in the present about being wronged and the person who wronged you. But you can’t acknowledge feelings until you identify them. So spend some time thinking about the situation and whatever feelings come to mind name them then let them go. Picture a conveyor belt like in a grocery store. See your feelings as packages or boxes and with the feeling written on the outside. Watch your feelings go past on the belt naming one after the other. Once you’re convinced you’ve captured them all, write them down truthfully. Don’t let your desire to be nice or your thought that “Good Christians don’t feel that way” get in the way of the truth of your feelings. No feeling makes you bad and no feeling is sinful. It is acting on feelings that may be sinful. Write with complete honesty just what you are feeling.
5. DECISION: Now it’s time to make a decision. You have looked at your behavior that wronged others, including God, for which you needed forgiveness. You have looked at how you felt when you were forgiven by others. And you have looked at how you are feeling now about this wrong and this person who wronged you. Now, you must make an honest decision, do you want to forgive this wrong and this person at this time? To be clear you are not asking do you feel like forgiving this person. That will likely never happen. You are asking if you want to forgive despite your feelings. You might as well be honest because if you say yes when the answer is really no and you continue with the exercise, it won’t work, not for long. So be honest. You can always come back and start again at another time. If the answer is no, then ask God in prayer to help you to be willing to forgive and come back when you think you’re ready.
6. PRAYER: If the answer is yes then it’s also time to pray. Forgiveness is a spiritual pursuit. Our sinful nature does not want to forgive, it wants revenge! The enemy does not want us to forgive he wants us to hate! So clearly we need supernatural help in doing this. You need to seal your decision in prayer. But first, you need to write a contract stating that you are relinquishing your rights to revenge on the person and sign it. Example:  I _______ relinquish my rights to get revenge on ______ for ______.  Sign it and put it away safely where you can refer to it if needed. For example, you can take it out and look at your commitment if you are tempted to get revenge and are having a difficult time letting go of the feeling. Next, you need to write a prayer in which you state your desire for help in forgiving and your commitment to relinquish your rights for revenge. It need not be an elaborate prayer. Something like this will work: With the help of you, God, and through my commitment, I relinquish my right to pursue revenge on _____. I do not deny I have negative feelings about _______ but they will no longer determine my behavior. When I feel them I will immediately pray to release them and meditate on the good feelings I have identified in this experience. To be successful I know I need your help, Lord, to forgive _______ And I ask you for that help right now. I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.
7. MOVING ON: If this wrong is a soul-crushing wrong or something so bad you and others don’t think it is reasonable to even consider saving the relationship then there probably will never be any good feelings. Still, there can be a release of the negative feelings that will set you free. In that case, you might consider getting counseling instead of trying this on your own. But for sure you can skip this step. For everyone else, one last thing before you move on. Remember the 2 inches you left in #1? Go back there and write down all of the good things and warm feelings you now have for your offender. Maybe there won’t be any yet, although small changes do count. If there are none, then write good feelings you remember having or good things you remember doing with them before the wrong. And keep praying for God to help you to let go of the negative feelings and replace them with positive. If you keep doing the exercise you will find that you are having less spontaneous negative feelings and through prayer releasing them more easily. And you will begin as well to have a more and more difficult time finding negative feelings in #4 in this exercise and easier and easier to find good and warm feelings in #7. So go through this exercise as many times as it takes until you are able to reconcile with the offender if that’s your goal, or until you can simply walk away with neutral feelings which is the sign that you have truly let go. I wish you much success in letting go of the negative feelings that have robbed you of your power in this matter. I wish you much success in obeying God and forgiving your offender. And I wish you God’s blessing over all else in your life.