“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…”-Jeremiah 1:5

 “Have I not told you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”-Joshua 1:9

or at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.-Romans 2:1

But for God

On nights like this when I’m far away from you
I always feel a deep void in my soul.
I fear for your safety in so many ways
Although I know it’s not mine to control.
So tonight, when I fear you are lost
I lie awake praying for you.
Hoping you might be awake as well.
And that perhaps you’re praying too.
Then suddenly I hear a soft whisper.
As if someone is calling to me.
I don’t really believe that it’s there,
But I’ll need to answer to see.

“You know this just can end well”
I clearly hear the voice proclaim.
“And you know there is no question
Of who’s at fault, and who’s to blame.”
“You know your prayers can’t be answered,
Because you know that he’s just too flawed.”
“You know”, says the voice, “This can’t end well…
It could never end well…But for God.”

“Never stop praying,” I hear the voice say
“Never stop believing that God has a way.”
“Remembering that He’s more powerful
Then anything logic can say.”
“Remember His thoughts are much higher,
That His ways, to us, are unknown;
But He promises that He won’t leave behind
Any soul He has claimed as His own.”

“I know that it’s very hard to keep the faith.
You’re afraid he’s pushed it too far this time?”
“You feel in your heart he’s offended, God
With his new belief and strange paradigm.”
“But I’m telling you to relax and remember
That just one seed of faith harkens God.”
“It fuels His search for His children
Whom He loves no matter how flawed.”

“God will search until He finds our faith
Even that which we try to conceal.”
He won’t give up until He’s found it
For it’s through faith He is able to heal.”
“So I urge you to never stop praying
For what the world might call a lost cause.”
“We know none of us is quite worthy,
We’re each a lost cause…but for God.”
©Linda Troxell 07/02/18

Have you ever loved someone who was engaging in behavior and embracing ideas that you feared were so offensive to God that you were concerned for their soul? Have you laid awake at night praying that they would come back to sanity and in the meanwhile, God would overlook their bad behavior and disrespectful thoughts?

Have you ever loved someone who beneath their bad behavior and their disrespect you knew were good Christians and still believed in God and wanted to worship Him? If you answered yes to these questions you’re probably a parent or a grandparent or some other person who loves an adolescent.

Some kids, I think most kids, go through a time in their life when they no longer can accept the faith that was handed down to them. They’ve come to the place in life where they insist on testing everything they’ve been taught about God for themselves.

It shouldn’t be surprising; it tends to happen in mid to late adolescence when they are testing everything about their lives, their world and themselves. Often it happens in the first few years of college. For many kids, this is the first time that they have interacted with people from different cultures, religions, and traditions. It is often the first time they have even heard about alternative religions and it fascinates them; often they want to try them on for size. Added to this it is often the first time they experiment with independence, with drugs, with sexuality, and with their relationship with their parents.

It can be an exhilarating time for kids and a very frightening time for parents and others who love these almost adult children. I am the grandparent of one of them so I have the luxury of being able to look back at the process, as well as the privilege to see ahead to the outcome of the journey.

For me, when my daughter was in this process, there were two questions that nagged me, well there were so many more than two, but two overarching questions. Do I want to know about what she does and thinks and believes throughout this process? And will I ever get my child back?

The answer to the first question lies almost totally in our control. If we want to keep in touch with what is going on with our kids then we need to give them a reason to trust that they can be honest with us and still be accepted.

That means that when they tell us of a new behavior or a new thought we can’t be emotional, critical or judgmental. Well, we can be all of those things but not out loud in front of them. If they feel our disapproval every time they do or say something new and different, even something dangerous, they will simply quit telling us anything about themselves.

In some ways, it’s an attractive idea not knowing what they’re doing. It is so much easier to not know and be left to pretend they are doing just what they did when they were 10 years old and still manageable. The biggest drawback to that option, however, is that we lose all chance to influence or shape their thoughts and behaviors.

And if they can’t get advice from us about all of these new things they are encountering, where do you think they will turn? They will turn to their friends, other almost adult children. Do you want your son or daughter to be seeking advice from another teenager?

It may seem that we have already lost the ability to influence these adolescents. But it isn’t exactly true. Our opinions still matter more than they want us to know. That’s why if we show blatant disapproval they will just stop telling us about their life. They cannot tolerate our disapproval, which they experience as rejection, and they cannot quit exploring their world and themselves; it’s their job at this stage of life.

So the only alternative, as far as they see, is to just not tell us anything of which we might disapprove. It’s really kind of the flip side of us not wanting to know what they’re doing and pretending they’re doing nothing dangerous or immoral.

if we want to continue to have an influence we need to give them an opportunity to talk to us honestly and to answer them calmly and thoughtfully. This often takes great acting skills and a lot of self-control.

But it is worth it. If we are able to really discuss their new ideas and explorations with them, not to be confused with lecturing or talking at them, then we can lead them to consider the downside or dangerous elements or potential consequences of what they are contemplating. However, we must be careful to lead them in a manner that doesn’t even hint at telling them what to do. And we must be realistic, they will still do plenty of things we would rather they didn’t, but remember we did those things too.

I don’t mean to tell you that this strategy will make the whole process easy sailing. It won’t. There will be plenty of times that you will lay awake at night begging God to take care of your child even though he or she has just behaved scandalously.

There will be plenty of days and nights when you ask God to protect them from themselves even though they act as if He doesn’t exist. It is a frightening time. One thing I urge you to remember is that as much as you love that child, God loves them even more. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you before you were born I set you apart…”-Jeremiah 1:5

So He is on your side, He wants them to get to the other side of this insanity in one piece too. And we can’t forget that he invented adolescence, so He must feel that it serves a Godly purpose. At least that’s what I told myself thousands of times while my daughter was between 18 and 23.

But you will develop other strategies as you go. For example, my daughter was always very open with me. I don’t mean to say she never lied or manipulated to get her way, because she did. I just mean that she was open with me to a degree that did not threaten her freedom. But once she was away at college she felt no need to edit the tales of her exploits.

Still, I know she didn’t tell me everything. But there was a lot she told me that made me fear for her safety, often for her life. I didn’t want to react to her sharing in a manner that would stop her from confiding in me at all, but I couldn’t continue knowing that she was putting herself in danger. So I had to draw some boundaries.

I sat her down for a conversation which started with the fact that although I wasn’t judging her, I didn’t approve of some of her behaviors because they put her in danger. I went on to tell her that there needed to be some boundaries set about what she could and could not share with me. I tried to avoid making her feel that I didn’t want to hear her stories because I disapproved of her behavior.  Although I actually did disapprove of a lot of it, I tried to remember what Paul said in Romans 2:1: …” for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

I tried, although sometimes it was painful, to look back to what I had done at the same age and realize I had no right to judge her behavior. So, I emphasized to her that the reason I needed edited information was that some of her behaviors made me afraid for her safety.

Once we had those boundaries in place things went more smoothly for me. Because it paved the way for me to engage in the fantasy that she was home and tucked in bed at 10 o’clock each night. That allowed me to get some sleep. I say some sleep because my fantasies didn’t always hold up and when they didn’t I still found myself sleepless and worrying about her safety. However with that boundary in place and with a lot of prayers we both made it through her college years in one piece. Which brings me to the second question.

Will they ever be the same person you used to know? The quick answer to that question is of course not. Who among us was the same person at 23 that we were at 17 or 18? I can feel safe in saying no one.

The 5 or 6 years between senior year of high school and graduation from college are years in which we go from being a child to a young adult. There is huge growth in our critical thinking abilities, our moral judgment, and our abstract reasoning. That alone is bound to affect our personality.

However, most of us also learned many lessons during those 5 or 6 years that forced us into adulthood. Lessons like what happens when we spend all of our money on that great new outfit or taking that beautiful girl on an impressive date and end the month eating only Raman noodles.

All of a sudden we learn that those things we always took for granted like toilet paper and shampoo are really quite expensive. Most of us had our hearts broken at least once during those years and found out we can live through it. Some of us also came to realize that the loss was a gift God gave us.

Hopefully, during that period our education has been completed, or nearly so, and we are equipped, if just barely, to join the world of the gainfully employed. The explosive growth we experience in the years between 18 and 23 is more than we grow in any other period except for that of our first 5 years.

So, no, they will never be the same person you used to know. But there is a good chance they will be a version of that person. And hopefully, it will be a better version. Because this version will have a better sense of why they can’t behave any old way they choose without thought for others.

This version will have learned to have at least some empathy. And if It all went well, this version will have some appreciation of all that you and the others who love them have sacrificed for them to have what they have, an education, a sense of family, a village who loves them.

And what about us, will we ever be the person we were before we lived through these years? Well, that answer is the same. I think you’ll find that you too are a better version of yourself. For you will have learned some lessons that are just as valuable.

You will learn that you can let go of this person you love insanely and live through it. (Which will make letting go of the next one easier) You will learn that your relationship with God has grown immensely because you will have spent many, many fearful hours with Him and have learned a lot about His character and yours.  

You will discover how comforting it is to know that He is always there for you even when your human support is asleep. “Have I not told you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”-Joshua 1:9

I think you will have learned that you can trust your child to make wise and valid decisions even if they are not the decisions you would make. I hope you will have learned that your child doesn’t have to be like you to be an incredible person.

That being said, most of you will learn that sometime during this 4 or 5 years of breaking away from you and learning to be fully individuated adults, your new adult’s values, tastes, and beliefs have begun to be surprisingly similar to yours. And for most of them, that trend will grow stronger and stronger as they approach middle age. (Don’t tell them, it is so enjoyable to watch them freak out as they discover it on their own.)

Let’s pray
Father, we know that our children belong to you much more than they belong to us. But we feel so responsible for their safety and happiness it is difficult to remember. We also know that ultimately we are not responsible for their safety and happiness either because that is between you and each of them. Sometimes, Lord, it is hard for us to remember these things much less accept them because, Lord, we do love them so much. Today we pray Lord that you will help us to remember that we need to let go of our children and give them to you to love and protect. Help us, Lord, to remember that they are adults and help us to be satisfied with being their friend.
We ask this in the holy name of Jesus, Amen.